fasting

I semi fasted today sucessfully till late tonight when my boss was like 'hey want some pizza i bought it for you guys' fucking ate 2 pieces. But other than that it wasn't too bad. I had an iced coffee and a redbull today and was drinking seltzer water during work. I definitely had the will power today...but i got super hungry tonight.

Gonna try to fast again tomorrow and see how it goes...

Need to fast tomorrow

wtf....I ate everything today.....I'm such a fucking pig......












fuck me

Todays gonna be a good day

I wieghed myself today and was at 124.6. Nice to see the number is going down especially after all that I ate yesterday. I had about 700 calories and then another 700 calories after 8pm which is my worst total binge time. I got contacted by someone who hopefully will be my future roommate. Time to clean the windows in my car.

Breakfast 2 pieces of penutbutter toast (300 cal)

Lunch gonna get a salad from somewhere mfer!

Well ok lunch wasn't a salad but dinner was! I ate a spicey chicken sandwich for lunch which is like 440 calories so not too terrible. All in all I probably ate about 1000 calories which isn't too bad. My stomach is super upset right now though.

Need to get back to basics

125.4 this morning :-/ I might be bloated from my pre-period...feel like it should be going on right now getting cramps and shit but maybe I just missed it because of stress...

I ate for breakfast (185 cal)

One piece of bread (70 cal)
1 tlbs penutbutter (90 cal)
1 tsp of Honey (25 cal)

Lunch (320 cal)

Hamburger bun (120 cal)
Veggie Chicken patty (140 cal)
Ranch (60 cal)

Dinner (960 cal)

1/4 single burger from wendy's (400 cal)
Medium Fry (430 cal)
Honey mustard (130 cal)

Snack (130)
Wheat toast and hummus (130 cal)



Total for today is fucking 1595 calories.....wtf is wrong with me....bleh fast food is such a heavy thing...I'm definitely making a sandwich tomorrow. My cat is going nuts on this toy mouse and it's making me so happy right now. Time to go colapse from exhaustion.

I hate this time

This time of the month always fucks me up so bad. I stepped on the scale after a shower just now and it read 128 WWWWWWWTTTTTFFFFFFFFF. I and just at a loss for words. I can't believe I'm letting myself fall into old habits. I guess that's why I haven't been posting as much I feel so fucking guilty for letting myself slip. I tell myself that I don't care what I eat today and then i go shovel crap down my throat. I ate a pizza hut personal pizza yesterday and a english muffin with hummus and a can of soup aaaaaand a fucking penut butter and jelly sandwich and granola bar wtf? I know it doesn't seem like a lot but clearly it it way to much when it makes me gain like 3 lbs in 2 days. I just want to have fucking out bursts and scream in the middle of my house because:

I

HAVE

NO

CONTROL

I need to find it back and fast or I'm going to lose my mind and start suffering for it. I can't go back to how I was last year...sleeping all the time becoming anti social just freaking out for no reason. Depression is so terrifying to me. Tomorrow I need to:

1)Write my resume
2)Submit my resume to several businesses that I wouldn't mind working at. I'm going to set the bar high and say it needs to be at least 10
3)Vacuum out my car
4)put an add in the paper for the cats

fuuuuck ml

I'm at 126...Need to lose 3 to get back to where I was last week. FML and my family for having awesome food. FM for eating fast food...wth is wrong with me.

I'm so ugly

I'm looking at facebook pictures and untagging/deleting the ones of me when I was heavier. I'm just so disgusting in a lot of the pictures. I hate almost every picture there is of me because I hate the way I look. There are very few that I'm happy with. Fuck the camera. I'm super PMS'ing right now and I'm supposed to go to the movies with this guy tomorrow. I hope he doesn't think I'm a giant bitch for being snappy. Oh you poor men that have to deal with us messed up women. Is it really worth it? Apparently not since divorce rates rae so high.

I bought a box of donuts and at nearly the whole thing in 2 days...I think that's like 3000 calories. I'm so disgusting. I started eating this chicken roll thing but felt pretty bad about half way through it. Oh and something smells rank in the closet that we keep the garbage. Pee Yuuuu. I need to stop binging. Lately I've just been going with it and watching my weight climb to 126 on some days. After this weekend is over I'm going to fast for 10 days which is when I have my picnic planned. I want to get down to 120 for realzies. I'm through playing around.

I'm gonna grab a salad today for lunch and eat some of my sugar free jello for breakfast. Gonna hit the gym tonight after work. I will be strong and I will be thin and beautiful...eventually.

fucking scale must be broken

I just got back from a awesome weekend that I deparately needed. Hung out with a good friend. I came home and went to hop in the shower but before that I wanted to see the damage that I did this weekend with all the junk food I ate. I stepped on the scale and it fucking said.....(suspense) 119.6 wtf? How is that even possible. I'm pretty sure it's fucking broken -_- which means I'll probably need to get a new scale. I mean the number is awesome but I know it's a lie. I'll just have to weight myself when I got to the gym.

LOL husband canceled our marriage via facebook. pretty fucking funny hahahaha.

I don't feel it

I don't feel like I'm getting thin. I mean I know that I am but I don't feel like it. Still cracks me the fuck up that my friend from work was convinced that I had a drinking problem and is arguing with me about it and then he goes 'oh matt wanted me to ask you if you're anorexic' I lol'd on the inside. If you only knew how I struggle some weeks. This week has been awesome though, my weight hasn't gone up and I've been eating without stressing that much over it. I did feel a hint of bile creaping up my throat after I ate a sandwich tonight, but that was probably due to stress because of my husband. When do I stop calling him my husband and start calling him my ex? Do I wait till the court documents are finalized? Do I do it now? Do I wait till he cancel's our marriage on facebook?

I still feel as bad as I did when I was 155lbs!! This sucks. I know I'm physically smaller and I will never show my insecurities to someone that I know. At least I hope that I will never have too. I haven't purged in a long time, not since that one night where I was freaking out. I don't feel the need to do it unless I'm stressed the fuck out. And right now I'm not.

There are a couple guys at work that keep asking me to hang out with them. I'm like 'noooo' the one I just wouldn't date ever and I'm like 90% possitive that's what he's trying to lead me into and the other guy I think is really cool and enjoy his company but I'm not attracted to him at all.

I wonder if I project more confidence now that I'm slimming down and in a 'single' state of mind. Or if it because I'm slimming down.

I drank a bunch of benydryl so I can sleep hopefully. I love myself but hate my body. <3


Breakfast
Med Iced coffee (120)

Lunch
Ham sandwich (~500 cal)

Dinner
Onion loaf with hummus (400 cal)

Snack
Granola bar (140 cal)

122.2 no contacts in i think that's what it said

I took my contacts out last night and can't see more than 2 ft in front of my face. Yea definitely 122.2 I went grocery shopping today. I'm trying to see how long I could make 80 bux last. So far I got the 80 bux on Friday and I have 15 left. I just filled my gas tank in my car ($29) and go groceries ($21) Maybe I'll start a new blog with how much I spend. Might be easier to figure out my budget. I definitely spend a lot less when I don't let myself use my credit cards. The rest of w/e isn't listed was spent at work on batteries ($5) I think I spent the other $20 on food from work.

Anyway today they had food samples at the grocery store so I'll just have to guess on the calories.

Lunch
6 pasta noodles worth of pasta salad (80 cal)
1/6 of a ham sandwich (80 cal)

Chocolate silk (150 cal)

Dinner
Other half of my pork from last night (250)
Broccoli (100)

I worked out today

I went to the gym after a long day of work and I weighed myself on their scale. It said 125lbs so i'm not too suprised because i knew my scale was off by a couple lbs. It's pretty sobering to think that 2 months ago I was like 145. I'm feeling awesome about my body and about myself. Like I've never been this little.

I ate a lot today

Breakfast
Coffee (100 cal)
Hashbrowns (200 cal)

Dinner
Pork (250 cal)
Broccoli (100 cal)

Snack
Penutbutter toast (200 cal)

I feel like I ate a lot more than that. But haha makes me feel better seeing how low my calorie intake is.

hahahah

Ok so I'm 120.6 this morning. Probably because I'm super dehydrated. But anyway YES YES YES. Super excited that my number isn't goint up. This is what I want and it makes me feel so good. Life seems to be coming together which is good for me and my mentality.

Today I need to
Mail out my acc transcript request
make a dentist apointment
make a couple other doc apointments
Work out (if i have time before work)
call about the car
make apointments to walk some of the apartments in the paper.

I better get started

I'm 122.4 today. Not bad after the big meal I ate last night. I'm going to fast for most of the day. I have a girly date with this chick I hope to make my roomate in the next month or so and we're going out for dinner at panera.

Breakfast
Cup of coffee (~60 cal)

Panera
Green Tea (idk cal)

Dinner
Pasta and one shrimp (like 400 cal i think)

Anyway I am so blessed to have people in my life that care about me.

fuck fasting i guess

I had a pretty good day today. I woke up at 6:30a which kinda sucked since I would have liked to sleep in. My back was sore so I went to the gym at like 7a. I went to work after that and worked till 5p.

One of my friends from work asked if I wanted to hang out after work. These guys I've been friends with for years and we hung out yesterday playing taboo. I figured that people would be over again tonight. Anything is better than sulking home alone.

I got out to my car after work and started to back out of my spot. The fucking guy who just pulled into the spot behind me was backing up to straighten out again and smashed my back bumper completely in. WTF. He got out of his car and was like 'i wasn't done parking' Who the fuck says that? Once you're in your spot you better fucking pay attention to who's behind you instead of backing up blindly. I fucking saw him throw it in reverse pretty quickly and didn't have time to react. Bleh.

I went home and change and then went and got dinner with my friend and then hung out with the guys. He was telling me about this ordeal he went through were he attempted suicide and how shitty his life was a year ago. It made me want to open up about all the non-sense I do with my eating problems...The thing is that I didn't want his pitty. I didn't want his help. But I just wanted him to know a little bit more about me.

In the end I couldn't tell him. He meantioned that his roomate, who is another co-worker, told him to find out if I was anorexic because I lost more weight recently. Of course I denied it and that was easy since I ate dinner with him earlier. As we were talking more he asked me how I deal with stress, and I said 'oh I just go vomit after meals' or something like that which is true sometimes...but i played it off as sarcastic.

Another weekend

I actually went and worked out this morning. I didn't do as much as i normally do for cardio but I'm feeling better now that I've gone. My back has been killing me and I think it's because I haven't been going enough.

Last night late late late I had some chicken tenders and a piece of pizza when i was out with my friends. It was probably about 600 calories. Fasting today though, not going out tonight so it should be easy. Scale said 123 today so probably the food that's still in my stomach from last night since I haven't gone no. 2 yet.

122.4

OK good weight today. It just baffles me how much my weight can shift from day to day. I ate quite a bit yesterday and today is the first day of my fast. I will have to break on sunday because I'm meeting up with this chick that I possibly could be sharing an aptment with. I'll probably grab some of their veggie soup or something which is like 90 cal.

Wow i really need to stop picking at my skin. Any time I get a bump or pimp or blemish anywhere on my body I just have to pick the hell out of it giving me bumps and scabs all over. I've got a good 4 hours go kill I guess I'll get to packing my stuff...

I drank today but i don't know if i should count the calories in the alcohol or not...decisions decisions.

7 day fast starting tomorrow

I'll give myself credit. I put on a pretty good act of keeping it all together. Everyone I work with is like 'why aren't you a mess' and I just think to myself if you only knew the half of what I feel on a day to day basis. Failed relationships seem so easy to deal with when compared to the overwelming pain I feel when I look in the mirror. I ate less than half of what I binged on yesterday for dinner and I still feel like it was too much. My eyes are burning and my body is shaking from the cold. I need to do it starting tomorrow. I need to fast like I need air in my lungs. I need to have some ounce of control in my life at this moment. Please understand that I have to do this on my own. Fuck you life.

Breakfast
nothing

Lunch
Nachos (700 cal)

Dinner
Small plate of chicken and rice (~200 cal)

Snack
Birthday cake (400 cal)



Make the sad go away...

Bad bad day

124.4 today, I feel like I'm on a fucking rollercoaster.

Breakfast
Penutbutter toast (130 cal)
chocolate soy milk (115 cal)

Lunch
Granola bar (140 cal)

Dinner
Rice (200 cal)
Chicken (300 cal)
Veggies (100 cal)

I wish I was a happier person today. I feel like I could just die. My day spiraled out of control after I woke up from a nap. I think part of it is that my husband seems to have everything together and it just makes me feel like a mess by comparason. I have most ppl fooled into thinking I've got it together. I wonder if he'd even say anything if he knew that I just made myself vomit. A couple weeks ago I told him that I didn't have a problem with food. I most definitely have a problem. I eat emotionally and I've been feeling so sad lately and then I feel even worst when i realize how much I just stuffed in my face. I need someone to care about me and what I'm going through. I don't think I want help for my problem because I'm sure I'll get over it on my own eventually.

My hands are shaking and my eyes are wet. But at least I don't feel like my world is going to exploid anymore. I have my feet firmly on the ground and I will survive to fight another day. Now if only I had a cure for my insomnia.

Does the vomit always have to come out your nose? I had rice for dinner and it was just chilling in my nose after I was cleaning myself up.

Equalized

I ate a bunch of shit late last night. I still can't believe that I'm updating this. I feel super itchy. I stepped on the scale and it said 123. so up a lb from yesterday but that could also have to do with the lack of bowl movement this morning. My period is pretty much over which is good. I feel fine with it but i think i'm getting a bad cold. I have tomorrow off from work and have a lot of stuff I need to get done that I've been putting off for a while. I need to make a list!

Brunch
Penutbutter toast and honey (120 cal)
Diet v8 juice (10 cal)

Lunch
Veggie soup like (200 cal)

Dinner
Veggie chicken nuggets (400 cal)
Ranch (200 cal)
Redbull (110 cal)

I know it doesn't look like I ate a lot today but it feels like I did. I ate till i felt like my stomach was going to exploid. I need to learn when to stop. I had a lot to eat tonight...


I wonder what I'll look like 10 lbs lighter. Will I look like this?

121.8

It's so crazy I'm at the weight that I was at the end of my fast a few weeks ago. I haven't been restricting that much and I have skipped going to the gym for like a week(need to fix that) I'm still happy about the number. I know I said I wasn't going to weight myself till my period is done but the scale was right there in the bathroom staring at me. Time to go back under my dresser.

I'm feeling super sick atm and I know it's not just my period. Today feels like a chicken noodle soup day but the only can in the cabnet is one that I got for my man because he likes the kiddie soups...he's sick too and I don't want to steal his soup.

Time to get ready for work. I'll probably grab some soup from target...


Brunch
Penutbutter and Honey sandwich (150 cal)
8 oz of soy milk (60 cal)

Dinner
Salad (100 cal)

Snack
Celery and hummus (like 300 cal)
I ate a lot of hummus
tuna salad and crackers (like 400 cal i think)

My husband is being super cool about things. That makes me happy.

I'll be fine pretending I'm not

I've had a weekend with it's highlights and bad parts.

Friday - started my period whicked early and had worst than usual cramps

Don't remember much of what i had that day I think I said fuck the salad because i forgot it at home.

Sat - drove up to my brother's in nyc I was eating midol like they were M&Ms

I got there around 1pm'ish and Sue(brother's gf) made some sausage and cheese filled balls of bread. My stomach hasn't been reacting to cheese to well the past few days So I ate half of it and prayed that I didn't get all gassy and more shitty feeling than I already did. I ate fruit, some blueberries and cheeries and a small brownie (hello chocolate - period). Then I drank a lot of beer.

Today(sunday) - I had a couple bites of eggs because my stomach was a little sour from drinking last night. I had a chicken/bacon sub from subway. I really wish i got a veggie delite like I usually do because all the meat feels so heavy.

I'm probably going to wait till my period is over before I weight myself just because I'll get depressed if I do...I haven't felt the need to purge this weekend.

Alright I told myself that I wouldn't make this into a person journal but I feel like i need to get shit off my chest. My marriage has failed. I spent a long time with the man that I was hoping would become the man I wanted. I've come to the realization that people won't change just because you want them to. I'm not important enough to him for him to go out of his way to make me happy. He promised me so many things and then decided it wasn't worth the effort. So much for counsiling, so much for not smoking, so much for meeting me for lunch at work, so much for effort. I hope he finds someone who makes him want to put forth the work, I hope I find someone who wants to make me happy who I want to make happy as well. This whole relationship thing can't be a one way street.

I told my brother and his gf that things weren't good and that we probably would be splitting. Niether of them were suprised. This bothers me but we have never had a fully functioning relationship. I know it's not all his fault, it's partly mine as well. Mostly my fault for being weak and giving in to him pushing my boundries. I thought my problem was that I expected to much from him so I tried really hard for the last year to just not care if he forgot about something that was important to me. I tried to not be so demanding and I know he tried to listen to me and do the things that I asked.

There is no compromising ever. One thing i don't want is a gun in the house...a reasonable request that is more important to me when we would have kids...but he wouldn't bend on that either. Like I said a one way street.

I really want to have a family some day but I know that I won't be able to function properly in a relationship for a long time after this is all over. I've been adapting to him for so long that I'll have to learn to be my own person again, if I ever was to begin with. I'm not going to let my friends or anyone else try to 'rescue' me. I can be this strong woman that I envision.

2 years seems like a good amount of time before I let another man in. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I know I could easily fall into old patterns with some new guy, but I can't do that. I just need to figure out me for a while. I need to realize that I don't need a man to complete me.

Friday

Breakfast
Strawberry banana vivanno from sbux (280 cal) 7g of fiber and 15g of protein it's probably a little different since i had it made with soy milk instead of regular milk

Snack
Gingerale (180 cal) i was so upset that they didn't have diet, had to settle my stomach though.

Lunch
SO delite coconut milk yogurt (120 cal)

Dinner
salad (100 cal)


Feel like shit today gonna go take some advil. I know that I shouldn't but i don't like feeling like this. Stupid hormonal female body!

Today I had

Breakfast
Penutbutter toast (120 cal)

Lunch
Veggie delite sub (170 cal)

Dinner
Veggie burger (400 cal)


I'm going to go be productive and clean my house for a bit. Keep my mind off of the fork and spoon. I'm feeling pretty low today. My friend bought me a sub because he said a granola bar isn't much of a lunch haha. like 20 minutes after i ate it i really wanted to stick my face in the toilet but i can't really do that at work. Especially after it took so long at home to get business done. It's funny how that's the type of thing you do once and just want to keep doing it. You get to be part of the social circle and get to feel normal and not guilty about eating...and then after you just get it out like it was almost never there again. Before I never understood what drove girls to destroy their throats with excessive purging but now I understand. Part of it is control, part of it is acceptance, part of it is self image. I hope I never feel like I have to do it again. Maybe the need to get the food out will fade if I resist long enough.

Another Day

Breakfast
low cal toast with penutbutter (70 cal)
glass of diet V8 splash (10 cal)

Lunch
Salad (100 cal)

Dinner
Ribs probably like (600 cal)


I weighed myself this morning and I was 123.4 again. Thank god it's not really moving. I really need to kick myself in the butt and go work out. I'll probably get around to it tonight. I drank a lot last night so i feel a little dehydrated. The bulges around my belly are finally starting to smooth out.

After eating all those ribs i feel so full. I thought about purging just for a moment but then I started to drink. And I feel way to relaxed to stress about the rotting meat in my stomach. FML I have the worst cramps and I feel like I'm going to get my period tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm so tired, i feel dissembodied.

I'm so proud of this pic.

today I ate

I had one of those egg and bacon wraps from Dunkin Donuts looked up the calories and it's about 120 cool. 90 calories from my medium coffee with one sugar (i think). I also ate a granola bar that's about 140 calories. Dinner I'll probably kill the rest of my Eggplant parm and cut some of the cheese off, gave me a huge stomach ach last time. 350 cal for the eggplant. Stomach ach inc. Frpzen 1/2 banana 45 cal.

Total (855)
coffee 90
wrap 120
granola bar 140
eggplant 350
1/2 banana 45
redbull 110 cal

123.4

I weighted myself today, dragging the scale out from under my dresser and then put it right back. 123.4 Thank God the number is going back down. I don't think I could deal with it going up again after yesterday.

I'm looking pretty cute, I got my hair cut and I'm fitting into my old size 1 clothes again. But a lot of them are from when I was a teenager haha. Not really much of my style anymore since they're like 10 years old. I got these cute outfits at the Hollister outlet a couple weeks ago. The pants are size 3 but they fit me better than most of my size 7 stuff.

I don't even know what my goals are anymore. I seem to do better when I focus on what I shouldn't be putting in my body instead of the progress I'm making. This is why I put the scale in an inconvenient place.

I skipped the gym again today. But I'm doing 100 cruches to make up for it (sorta) I just don't want to have to run around and stress out an hour before work. I won't have time to do my hair or makeup. Think I'll go to the gym tomorrow after work, but i'm not going to make any promises

I'm going to see how long it takes for me to start getting hungry before I eat. I shouldn't really be eating out of habit. Funny thing i was typing and instead of saying 'habit' i typed 'pasta' WTF?

I'm disgusting

2:00pm
I've been feeling a little down and PMS'y lately. I wanted to go work out today but need to work in an hour. I ate a fucking MCD meal because I felt like stuffing my face. What is wrong with me. I wasn't very careful yesterday and I'm just plain rekless today. I might call out and just sulk tonight. Haven't decided yet.

3:45pm
Ok maybe I do have a problem, I just spent the last 20 minutes in my bathroom trying to decide if I should do it. I swore I never would but at that moment it didn't seem like it was a bad alternative to letting the fats run through my system and stick to the skin of my body. I really did want to work out today but I just couldn't find the motivation. As long as I am a healthy weight I'll be fine right? My issues aren't as bad as some people's. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I'm not destroying my body with addiction. I'm trying to be pretty...

10:06pm
Done with work. As soon as I got that shit out of my stomach I felt almost empowered. I don't know if I should consider this a good thing or not. I took my scale out of my bathroom and stuck it under my dresser. Now I won't weigh myself like 6 times a day.

At least the rest of the night after purging I felt better and more happy, and less depressed. I worked and didn't feel hungry. I'm probably going to go to bed soon so i don't feel the need to binge in the middle of the night again.

Today bleh

I work tonight closing. I think I might skip dinner. I ate an omlet already today for breakfast so thats about 200 cal. I need to go up to my college of take care of some stuff for my classes.

another day

Weight today was 124.4

Breakfast (340 cal)
Red bull (220 cal)
Granola bar (120 cal)

Snack (270 cal)
Celery (20 cal)
Hummus (250 cal)

Lunch (total 285 cal)
Veggie Chicken patty (190 cal)
2 pieces of low cal bread (90 cal)
Pickle spear (5 cal)

Dinner (total 230 cal)
I'm making eggplant parmesan 6 pieces, total cal (700) So like (115) per piece.
eggplant (20 cal)
1/3 cup shredded Mozzarella (360 cal)
1/4 cup Tomato sauce (20 cal)
1/4 cup diced tomato (30 cal)
1 egg (70 cal)
2 cups of bread crumbs (200 cal)

Today's total calories is 1125, holy shit that seems like a lot.

I ate a veggie burger at 3:30am wth is wrong with me like 400 calories right there. Guess it's better than going out to a fast food chain like i really wanted too. sigh 1525 cal.

shitttty day

Today I ate breakfast with friends
1 scrambled egg
1 piece of toast
1/4 of grilled potatoes

Lunch/dinner
Spinach salad with tomato, cucumber, and olives.

Got in a fight with the husband. He says I don't care about our relationship.

I can't believe I'm updating every day

Eating cooked spinach(200 cal) for breakfast and can't seem to get a grasp on typing this morning. I really need to pick up some pam so I don't have to keep cooking with olive oil. I mean it tastes so much better but 120 cal a table spoon is just toooo much. Wow that's a really weird breakfast that i just ate lol.

My biggest problem is eating shit after dinner time. If I could change that to nothing or even heathy food I'd be set. I can't make tuna salad with mayo every night >.>

Breakfast
Spinach with garlic and olive oil (200 cal)

Lunch
Veggie chicken tenders (270 cal)
Ranch Dressing (120 cal)

Snack
Penutbutter toast (120 cal)
Mike's hard lemonade (220 cal)
Dinner

Today I ate all the meats

I had a chicken sandwich (400 cal)
Tilapia (200 cal)

I really want a fiber bar but I think i'll eat half a banana later which will be like 90 cal...

After a night of being up super late due to having to take a couple ppl home from the bar I've been feeling a little sick to my stomach. Beer does that to me sometimes. I've been resorting to fast food :-( Pretty dissapointed in myself but I need to start making some lunch for work. Tomorrow I'm off so I think I'll go grocery shopping and make up some lunches so I don't get lazy and buy stuff. Eating out is super expensive compared to me making a sandwich and just having that. Plus I love salads and need to eat more of them at work haha. I'm going to go work out for at least an hour. I'm so pudgy bleeeh. Fat on my stomach, fat on my hips. I sound like a little teenager bleeeeh. I bought size 1 kakis for work. I need to work on my stomach ewwwwww fat. K I'm done ranting for now. Off to work out.


So to add to that all I went and worked out but then when i got back I pigged out on a can of tuna (60 cal) Mayo (100 cal) like 15 Saltines (200 cal) I always do fine till it's the late evening and then 7 o'clock hits and I'm in super snack mode.

Probably had like 1200 cal today bleeeeh

I Will Be STrong

Breakfast
Granola bar (130 cal)
Half Banana (60 cal)

Lunch
Penutbutter Toast with honey (170 cal)

Dinner
Vegetable soup (90 cal)
Tomato pesto sandwich (200 cal)

Today's total (750)

The Rules

1. No cheese, cream sauces, No dairy except for non fat milk in coffee.
2. No eating after 6pm This is going to be the hardest one for me since I know my weakest time is late at night when my stomach starts to growl.
3. Only weight myself once a week I'm going to reserve Mondays as my day to check the number. I'm way to obsessive about it. ATM I check my weight every time I'm in the bathroom and every time I go to the gym.
4. No Red Meat The only acceptable meats is fish and chicken.
5. I will take the time to be "presentable" I will do my hair and make up every day before I leave the house. I'm tired of looking like a plain jane slob.
6. Keep a detailed log of my intake. If I don't see nutritional info on the item I will not eat it.
7. Have water on hand at all times.
8. Exercise at lest 3 times a week. Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays are usually my days to go.


I need to stop making excuses for myself and gain the body that I want. I seriously felt like throwing up all that I ate yesterday. I'm so mad at myself. Time to get serious.

See How Much Damage I Can Do by Eating What I Want

Breakfast/Lunch
2 pieces of bread (180 cal)
2 eggs (110 cal)
1 slice of american cheese (100 cal)
1 slice of ham (45 cal)
Total (435 calories)

Dinner
I ate fast food
Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich (480 cal)
Small Fries (280 cal)

After Dinner, the husband made nachos and I ate a bunch of them. I should have just said no...
Nachos (probably 500 cal)

I haven't consumed this many calories in a good long while. I'm debating whether I should fast again so I can feel at least in control of my mouth. It's either that or watch my weight climb back up to 130...

Starting to equalize

I ate so much food last night. I pretty much just stuffed my face after 10 pm with chips and tuna and fish and bread. I'm at 124.6lbs That's not too terrible. I think my metabolism is equalizing out. I'm thinking I should just let it. At least I'm not binging on toooo terrible of things. I ate a lot of salad yesterday. I haven't decided what to do today. I fee like I should fast soon again. Maybe tomorrow

Will I get fat

If i binge on salad? No dressing right? Good plan?

Musta been water weight

Ok I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 124 so the 130 must have been masive water weight or something. Well I drank last night and I always seem to have a lower weight after a night of drinking. I guess it dehydrates.

Today I'm going to have my penutbutter toast (150 cal) I really need to get some lower calorie bread. Salad for lunch and dinner (200 cal). Lotsa water. I'm so pissed that I'm not at my goal for July 20th. I wanted to be at 120lbs. Hopefully I'll be there by this friday. I'm saying NO to bad for you food.

FML

Why is my weight at 130 again. 4 days ago i was at 123 wtf? Did fasting fuck up my metabolism that bad that I gain it all back on salad and toast... Guess I better start fasting again >.>

Today was fun I went to see the new Harry Potter movie. I had a couple sips of soda which is probably like 50 cal. Afterwards I was at the Hollister Outlet and tried on some clothes. I bought a couple small shirts and a pair of size three jeans. Thank God I'm not in size 7s anymore. I'm so thrilled. I didn't make it too the gym today like I wanted too. But it's not a big deal I'll just go tomorrow.

Breakfast
Penutbutter toast 150 cal

Dinner
huge salad with no dressing probably 200 cal
6 oz of grilled tilapia 150 cal

I feel satisfied and stuffed omg. Thank god I didn't eat something terrible like we were going to have pizza tonight. I feel so much better eating a salad and fish.

123

My magic number this week. I still want to be at 120 by the 20th guess I'm fasting for the next few days. I havent' had a bowl movement in like 2 days so I'm guessing that's a lb by itself. I feel like i'm getting period cramps right now but i'm sure it's just gas. I eat sooo much yesterday that I shouldn't have.

Penutbutter toast - 120 cal
Veggie Delite sub - 230 cal
Big bowl of Pasta - ~500 cal

That's a lot for just coming off a fast. I didn't feel like binging till it was super late. That's my worst time for slipping. I really should have just gone to bed but I was feeling sad. Stupid emotional eating. I'm going to sit here and decide if I want to eat today. If My weight drops to 122 or less by the time dinner comes around I might have a little something. Maybe I should do a salt water cleanse. Yea I think I'll try that.


edit:
OK scratch the whole fasting idea for today. I had some peanutbutter toast and I'm moving on. I'm going to shower and then head off to the mall and try on some skinny clothes. Hopefully that will keep me focused. Also going to go work out later. <3

What's next

I'm feeling kinda lost since my fast has ended. I loved the structure of committing to something like that and not that it's over I'm afraid of spinning out of control and gaining all the weight back.

This is what I plan on eating today.

Toast w/penut butter (120 cal)
Subway 6" veggie delite sandwich (230 cal)

Total (350 cal)
I hope it's not too much to fuck me over. It is a lot of break but I feel like I need the fiber real bad. I really need to step up my work outs and get rid of the little bulges around my core.

Today is the day

So I've made it my week including today. Going to try to ease into breaking my fast so I don't undo the progress I've made. The scale said 121.8 !!!! I'm so amazed by that number. My goal for the next few weeks is to work out like crazy and just turn the fat on my body into muscle while maintaining that weight.

I worked most the days and to keep going I drank a small coffee with cream and sugar (120 cal) on some of the days. The last 2 days I had 140 cal worth of granola bars when I felt super dizzy.

My husband and I talked last night about this fast I'm doing. What's funny is that I don't think he is 100% understanding of why I do it but he likes the results and I like the results. Ends justify the means right?

I'm walking on sunshine woooooooah

One More Day

I've made it through day 6 of my fast and I'm starting to feel the effects of the lack of food. I wanted to go to the gym yesterday but I felt so weak. I feel super dizzy today and I had the other half of my granola bar from yesterday. I wish I had the will power to go completely without food. I got the hickups like 20 times today. Yea I'm exhausted... Good night

2 Days Left

I'm holding strong on my fasting. I cheated yesterday because I started feeling super dizzy at work. I ate half a kellogg fiber granola bar which was about 70 calories. This little bit of food encouraged a bowl movement that's good right? I feel like I haven't had one since I started this thing on thursday. I'm down to 123 yay! If I could just drop 3 more lbs by the 20th I'd be thrilled.

My life is getting super depressive and I think sticking to this is actually helping me pull through it. 2 days ago me and my husband decided it was probably best for both of us that we go our separate ways. Yesterday I guess he changed his mind. He came up and was trying to be cuddly with me and told me that he didn't want to lose me and that he could change and make sacrifices. I know it sounds terrible, but I just don't believe him... I mean he knew that certain things bothered me and it shouldn't take the thought of me leaving to make him want to change those things for me. And the things that I hate the most are personality qualities, like him being completely unwilling to help me out sometimes. This one time I forgot my binder at home and had 2 classes in a row. I called him and asked if he could bring it to me so I didn't have to miss my class. He said 'I'm not driving 40 minutes to get there.' Great thanks, way to show the love. IDK maybe I'm being unreasonable but I'm just not happy with someone that would offer to drive someone they just met home after a night of drinking but doesn't have the curtosy to call home and tell me he's going to be getting home at 3am when he didn't even tell me he was going out in the first place. I'm his wife not his roomate. He's not going to change overnight and it's time for me to move on. I'll just have to accept that. Yes it's going to be hard but I will survive.

My hands are shaking so bad. I don't know if it's from lack of food or frustration. It's true that you can't change someone...Sorry guys this is turning into my personal mess/dietting blog.

Personal Shit will not Distract Me

Thank god i have this fast right now. My personal life is going to shit and this takes my mind off of it. My husband and I decided that it is probably best that we split up. I'm thinking that will probably happen in a couple months when he gets out of the military. He asked me if it was ok that he buy this store in our old home town and open a butcher shop. I told him that I feel like I'm not the part in any of his decisions. I am so low in his list of priorities and it's not fair to me. All I wanted from him is to be able to move somewhere that I picked for like a year and I'd be totally happy. I need to stop writing about this because I'm about to cry. The funny thing is that I wouldn't even post this in my regular blog.



I had the will power to make my husband dinner and not want any myself. I'm down 3 lbs from thursday so not a terrible weekend.



I kinda wanna go out and get some veggies for when i break my fast, so I don't do it on nasty hot dogs which is all that i have in the fridge atm. I'll wait till I'm ready to break it thought before i got grocery shopping. It sucks when veggies spoil before you have a chance to touch them. Anyway time to get to the bank.



Listening to Jimmy Eat World - If you don't, then don't

Not a True Fast Anymore

So I semi broke my fast last night with alcohol. I only did shots so it wasn't to bad on the calorie intake. I had like 2 shots of some creamy kalua/baleys thing. The alcohol made my body lose a lot of water weight it kinda makes me laugh a bit when I stepped on the scale this morning.

125.6 wtf

I understand that once I get more liquids in my system that the weight will probably go back up. So I'm prepared to deal with that once it happens.

My husband wanted to do the master cleanse diet, you know the one with the lemonade with the cayenne pepper. Well he started to make the stuff and suck it down. I wished him luck yesterday and went off to work. He made it maybe 5 hours without eating hahahahaah pussy. Makes me laugh.

I really hope he doesn't feel like he has to fix my eating habits any time soon. I'm making real progress and if he were to as much as say 'i'm worried about you' I'd totally cave and have to eat stuff.

5 more days of this



And I will get

Hubby wants to join in

So I had a sucessful fast today. I got home from work at about 9:30 and was watching Ghostbusters with the husband. He says to me "I think I'm going to do that detox thing you were telling me about" He was refering to the 'Master Cleanse' Lemonade diet. I told him it's hard and how it works but he's pretty set to do it. I'll have him grab the stuff for it tomorrow. I'll be in utter shock if he makes it a day haha!

Day one of my fast done and I'm excited how easy it was. I love working evening shifts.

Anyway it's late and I'm going to go sleep. Gotta work early tomorrow.

I love this picture

I Resolve to be Empty

My internet has been down since last night sdlkh. I hate comcast it seems like we have some sort of issue at least every 3 months.

I planned on fasting yesterday and was having a sucessful day. I got off work and hit the gym for a good hour doing like 35 min on the eliptical (about 400 cal burned) I skipped the weights since i was kinda sore from Wednesday and didn't want to make my knee feel any worst. When I got home my hubby was cooking dinner which was cool. I love having him cook. I can deal with someone feeding me my problem is when I want to binge while I'm alone. It makes me feel like an alcoholic when I drink alone and makes me feel like a fat-ass when I eat alone. So I asked him to make me a small burger since the last time he made burgers he made like 1/2 lb patties!! I couldn't eat the whole thing then. So I got a patty that was a little less than 1/4 of a lb. We didn't have any rolls so it was between 2 pieces of toasted wheat bread that's better for me anyway. The bread was 180 cal and the patty was probably about 350 cal. Not bad for the whole day.

****I plan on fasting for a full week****

The longest I have previously done was a 3 day fast. It shouldn't be too hard since I'm working a lot. I'm scheduled a lot of mid shifts (11-7:30) so i should be a pro at avoiding food as long as I have the will power. I really really really want to lose at least 5 lbs this week. Wish me luck.

I'm allowing myself
* Coffee (skimping on the fixings)
* Water w/lemon,
* Any Zero cal drinks (currently addicted to Sobe Lifewater),
* No diet soda tooooo much sodium.

Today is Friday and weight for the start of this fast is 127.




Who would you want to look like? I'm pretty sure it's obvious.

Binge

I've been having a rough week. I've felt super depressed because of the summer and how my life and work situation are progressing. I feel like i'm just making up excuses for being disgusting.

I ate a shit ton of stuff i had a bowl full of chips a penut butter and honey sandwich a popsicle and fucking a granola bar AFTER I ATE DINNER. I hate my fucking mouth i wish i could just sew it shut and avoid all of the pain that this bingefest has created.

Fuuuck

I shouldn't have skipped lunch, i feel like such a pig eating everything in my path. Have the worst headach today and i really want to go get some coffee. My body is shaking, I think it's from the stress I'm feeling right now.

1 oz chedder (120 cal)
6 Corn chips (70 cal)
Edy's Strawberry frozen fruit bar (80 cal)
1/2 cup Cooked spinach w/olive oil (90 cal)
Total = 360 cal

I need to keep my credit card at home I rack up like 400 bucks a month in charges alsdkjfhgs. I need to find a job in the next couple months. My pants feel so tight, 2 days ago they were perfect. I'll have to see how much i inhale tonight for dinner. Maybe I'll go shopping and avoid it all together. Shopping as in trying on size 2 clothes to make myself feel better. I need to save money...

edit:
ok i've calmed down a bit and had dinner that my husband made.
1/2 kalbase link (~300 cal)
1 cup of sour kraut (20 cal)

Total today 680 calories

Lets try this again

So I'm super bad at blogging and much rather post on forums but I feel like the forums I usually post on are getting tired. I want to keep track of what I shove in my mouth each day and that is the main FOCUS of this. I've hit a nasty plateau and am determined to beat it.

I currently am a US size 4
CW - 127
GW - 120
UGW - 110

Yesterday I ate
Bagel (330 cal) with 1 oz of cream cheese (100 cal)
Large Salad (150 cal)
Kelloggs Fiber Plus Bar (130 cal)

Ick I didn't realize how bad bagels were for you. Yesterday that was a total of 710 cal. I went to the gym and burned about 400 cal with cardio and weights. Today Is going to be a better day.


I want a stomach like this