Need to get back to basics

125.4 this morning :-/ I might be bloated from my pre-period...feel like it should be going on right now getting cramps and shit but maybe I just missed it because of stress...

I ate for breakfast (185 cal)

One piece of bread (70 cal)
1 tlbs penutbutter (90 cal)
1 tsp of Honey (25 cal)

Lunch (320 cal)

Hamburger bun (120 cal)
Veggie Chicken patty (140 cal)
Ranch (60 cal)

Dinner (960 cal)

1/4 single burger from wendy's (400 cal)
Medium Fry (430 cal)
Honey mustard (130 cal)

Snack (130)
Wheat toast and hummus (130 cal)



Total for today is fucking 1595 calories.....wtf is wrong with me....bleh fast food is such a heavy thing...I'm definitely making a sandwich tomorrow. My cat is going nuts on this toy mouse and it's making me so happy right now. Time to go colapse from exhaustion.

I hate this time

This time of the month always fucks me up so bad. I stepped on the scale after a shower just now and it read 128 WWWWWWWTTTTTFFFFFFFFF. I and just at a loss for words. I can't believe I'm letting myself fall into old habits. I guess that's why I haven't been posting as much I feel so fucking guilty for letting myself slip. I tell myself that I don't care what I eat today and then i go shovel crap down my throat. I ate a pizza hut personal pizza yesterday and a english muffin with hummus and a can of soup aaaaaand a fucking penut butter and jelly sandwich and granola bar wtf? I know it doesn't seem like a lot but clearly it it way to much when it makes me gain like 3 lbs in 2 days. I just want to have fucking out bursts and scream in the middle of my house because:

I

HAVE

NO

CONTROL

I need to find it back and fast or I'm going to lose my mind and start suffering for it. I can't go back to how I was last year...sleeping all the time becoming anti social just freaking out for no reason. Depression is so terrifying to me. Tomorrow I need to:

1)Write my resume
2)Submit my resume to several businesses that I wouldn't mind working at. I'm going to set the bar high and say it needs to be at least 10
3)Vacuum out my car
4)put an add in the paper for the cats

fuuuuck ml

I'm at 126...Need to lose 3 to get back to where I was last week. FML and my family for having awesome food. FM for eating fast food...wth is wrong with me.

I'm so ugly

I'm looking at facebook pictures and untagging/deleting the ones of me when I was heavier. I'm just so disgusting in a lot of the pictures. I hate almost every picture there is of me because I hate the way I look. There are very few that I'm happy with. Fuck the camera. I'm super PMS'ing right now and I'm supposed to go to the movies with this guy tomorrow. I hope he doesn't think I'm a giant bitch for being snappy. Oh you poor men that have to deal with us messed up women. Is it really worth it? Apparently not since divorce rates rae so high.

I bought a box of donuts and at nearly the whole thing in 2 days...I think that's like 3000 calories. I'm so disgusting. I started eating this chicken roll thing but felt pretty bad about half way through it. Oh and something smells rank in the closet that we keep the garbage. Pee Yuuuu. I need to stop binging. Lately I've just been going with it and watching my weight climb to 126 on some days. After this weekend is over I'm going to fast for 10 days which is when I have my picnic planned. I want to get down to 120 for realzies. I'm through playing around.

I'm gonna grab a salad today for lunch and eat some of my sugar free jello for breakfast. Gonna hit the gym tonight after work. I will be strong and I will be thin and beautiful...eventually.

fucking scale must be broken

I just got back from a awesome weekend that I deparately needed. Hung out with a good friend. I came home and went to hop in the shower but before that I wanted to see the damage that I did this weekend with all the junk food I ate. I stepped on the scale and it fucking said.....(suspense) 119.6 wtf? How is that even possible. I'm pretty sure it's fucking broken -_- which means I'll probably need to get a new scale. I mean the number is awesome but I know it's a lie. I'll just have to weight myself when I got to the gym.

LOL husband canceled our marriage via facebook. pretty fucking funny hahahaha.

I don't feel it

I don't feel like I'm getting thin. I mean I know that I am but I don't feel like it. Still cracks me the fuck up that my friend from work was convinced that I had a drinking problem and is arguing with me about it and then he goes 'oh matt wanted me to ask you if you're anorexic' I lol'd on the inside. If you only knew how I struggle some weeks. This week has been awesome though, my weight hasn't gone up and I've been eating without stressing that much over it. I did feel a hint of bile creaping up my throat after I ate a sandwich tonight, but that was probably due to stress because of my husband. When do I stop calling him my husband and start calling him my ex? Do I wait till the court documents are finalized? Do I do it now? Do I wait till he cancel's our marriage on facebook?

I still feel as bad as I did when I was 155lbs!! This sucks. I know I'm physically smaller and I will never show my insecurities to someone that I know. At least I hope that I will never have too. I haven't purged in a long time, not since that one night where I was freaking out. I don't feel the need to do it unless I'm stressed the fuck out. And right now I'm not.

There are a couple guys at work that keep asking me to hang out with them. I'm like 'noooo' the one I just wouldn't date ever and I'm like 90% possitive that's what he's trying to lead me into and the other guy I think is really cool and enjoy his company but I'm not attracted to him at all.

I wonder if I project more confidence now that I'm slimming down and in a 'single' state of mind. Or if it because I'm slimming down.

I drank a bunch of benydryl so I can sleep hopefully. I love myself but hate my body. <3


Breakfast
Med Iced coffee (120)

Lunch
Ham sandwich (~500 cal)

Dinner
Onion loaf with hummus (400 cal)

Snack
Granola bar (140 cal)

122.2 no contacts in i think that's what it said

I took my contacts out last night and can't see more than 2 ft in front of my face. Yea definitely 122.2 I went grocery shopping today. I'm trying to see how long I could make 80 bux last. So far I got the 80 bux on Friday and I have 15 left. I just filled my gas tank in my car ($29) and go groceries ($21) Maybe I'll start a new blog with how much I spend. Might be easier to figure out my budget. I definitely spend a lot less when I don't let myself use my credit cards. The rest of w/e isn't listed was spent at work on batteries ($5) I think I spent the other $20 on food from work.

Anyway today they had food samples at the grocery store so I'll just have to guess on the calories.

Lunch
6 pasta noodles worth of pasta salad (80 cal)
1/6 of a ham sandwich (80 cal)

Chocolate silk (150 cal)

Dinner
Other half of my pork from last night (250)
Broccoli (100)

I worked out today

I went to the gym after a long day of work and I weighed myself on their scale. It said 125lbs so i'm not too suprised because i knew my scale was off by a couple lbs. It's pretty sobering to think that 2 months ago I was like 145. I'm feeling awesome about my body and about myself. Like I've never been this little.

I ate a lot today

Breakfast
Coffee (100 cal)
Hashbrowns (200 cal)

Dinner
Pork (250 cal)
Broccoli (100 cal)

Snack
Penutbutter toast (200 cal)

I feel like I ate a lot more than that. But haha makes me feel better seeing how low my calorie intake is.

hahahah

Ok so I'm 120.6 this morning. Probably because I'm super dehydrated. But anyway YES YES YES. Super excited that my number isn't goint up. This is what I want and it makes me feel so good. Life seems to be coming together which is good for me and my mentality.

Today I need to
Mail out my acc transcript request
make a dentist apointment
make a couple other doc apointments
Work out (if i have time before work)
call about the car
make apointments to walk some of the apartments in the paper.

I better get started

I'm 122.4 today. Not bad after the big meal I ate last night. I'm going to fast for most of the day. I have a girly date with this chick I hope to make my roomate in the next month or so and we're going out for dinner at panera.

Breakfast
Cup of coffee (~60 cal)

Panera
Green Tea (idk cal)

Dinner
Pasta and one shrimp (like 400 cal i think)

Anyway I am so blessed to have people in my life that care about me.

fuck fasting i guess

I had a pretty good day today. I woke up at 6:30a which kinda sucked since I would have liked to sleep in. My back was sore so I went to the gym at like 7a. I went to work after that and worked till 5p.

One of my friends from work asked if I wanted to hang out after work. These guys I've been friends with for years and we hung out yesterday playing taboo. I figured that people would be over again tonight. Anything is better than sulking home alone.

I got out to my car after work and started to back out of my spot. The fucking guy who just pulled into the spot behind me was backing up to straighten out again and smashed my back bumper completely in. WTF. He got out of his car and was like 'i wasn't done parking' Who the fuck says that? Once you're in your spot you better fucking pay attention to who's behind you instead of backing up blindly. I fucking saw him throw it in reverse pretty quickly and didn't have time to react. Bleh.

I went home and change and then went and got dinner with my friend and then hung out with the guys. He was telling me about this ordeal he went through were he attempted suicide and how shitty his life was a year ago. It made me want to open up about all the non-sense I do with my eating problems...The thing is that I didn't want his pitty. I didn't want his help. But I just wanted him to know a little bit more about me.

In the end I couldn't tell him. He meantioned that his roomate, who is another co-worker, told him to find out if I was anorexic because I lost more weight recently. Of course I denied it and that was easy since I ate dinner with him earlier. As we were talking more he asked me how I deal with stress, and I said 'oh I just go vomit after meals' or something like that which is true sometimes...but i played it off as sarcastic.

Another weekend

I actually went and worked out this morning. I didn't do as much as i normally do for cardio but I'm feeling better now that I've gone. My back has been killing me and I think it's because I haven't been going enough.

Last night late late late I had some chicken tenders and a piece of pizza when i was out with my friends. It was probably about 600 calories. Fasting today though, not going out tonight so it should be easy. Scale said 123 today so probably the food that's still in my stomach from last night since I haven't gone no. 2 yet.

122.4

OK good weight today. It just baffles me how much my weight can shift from day to day. I ate quite a bit yesterday and today is the first day of my fast. I will have to break on sunday because I'm meeting up with this chick that I possibly could be sharing an aptment with. I'll probably grab some of their veggie soup or something which is like 90 cal.

Wow i really need to stop picking at my skin. Any time I get a bump or pimp or blemish anywhere on my body I just have to pick the hell out of it giving me bumps and scabs all over. I've got a good 4 hours go kill I guess I'll get to packing my stuff...

I drank today but i don't know if i should count the calories in the alcohol or not...decisions decisions.

7 day fast starting tomorrow

I'll give myself credit. I put on a pretty good act of keeping it all together. Everyone I work with is like 'why aren't you a mess' and I just think to myself if you only knew the half of what I feel on a day to day basis. Failed relationships seem so easy to deal with when compared to the overwelming pain I feel when I look in the mirror. I ate less than half of what I binged on yesterday for dinner and I still feel like it was too much. My eyes are burning and my body is shaking from the cold. I need to do it starting tomorrow. I need to fast like I need air in my lungs. I need to have some ounce of control in my life at this moment. Please understand that I have to do this on my own. Fuck you life.

Breakfast
nothing

Lunch
Nachos (700 cal)

Dinner
Small plate of chicken and rice (~200 cal)

Snack
Birthday cake (400 cal)



Make the sad go away...

Bad bad day

124.4 today, I feel like I'm on a fucking rollercoaster.

Breakfast
Penutbutter toast (130 cal)
chocolate soy milk (115 cal)

Lunch
Granola bar (140 cal)

Dinner
Rice (200 cal)
Chicken (300 cal)
Veggies (100 cal)

I wish I was a happier person today. I feel like I could just die. My day spiraled out of control after I woke up from a nap. I think part of it is that my husband seems to have everything together and it just makes me feel like a mess by comparason. I have most ppl fooled into thinking I've got it together. I wonder if he'd even say anything if he knew that I just made myself vomit. A couple weeks ago I told him that I didn't have a problem with food. I most definitely have a problem. I eat emotionally and I've been feeling so sad lately and then I feel even worst when i realize how much I just stuffed in my face. I need someone to care about me and what I'm going through. I don't think I want help for my problem because I'm sure I'll get over it on my own eventually.

My hands are shaking and my eyes are wet. But at least I don't feel like my world is going to exploid anymore. I have my feet firmly on the ground and I will survive to fight another day. Now if only I had a cure for my insomnia.

Does the vomit always have to come out your nose? I had rice for dinner and it was just chilling in my nose after I was cleaning myself up.

Equalized

I ate a bunch of shit late last night. I still can't believe that I'm updating this. I feel super itchy. I stepped on the scale and it said 123. so up a lb from yesterday but that could also have to do with the lack of bowl movement this morning. My period is pretty much over which is good. I feel fine with it but i think i'm getting a bad cold. I have tomorrow off from work and have a lot of stuff I need to get done that I've been putting off for a while. I need to make a list!

Brunch
Penutbutter toast and honey (120 cal)
Diet v8 juice (10 cal)

Lunch
Veggie soup like (200 cal)

Dinner
Veggie chicken nuggets (400 cal)
Ranch (200 cal)
Redbull (110 cal)

I know it doesn't look like I ate a lot today but it feels like I did. I ate till i felt like my stomach was going to exploid. I need to learn when to stop. I had a lot to eat tonight...


I wonder what I'll look like 10 lbs lighter. Will I look like this?

121.8

It's so crazy I'm at the weight that I was at the end of my fast a few weeks ago. I haven't been restricting that much and I have skipped going to the gym for like a week(need to fix that) I'm still happy about the number. I know I said I wasn't going to weight myself till my period is done but the scale was right there in the bathroom staring at me. Time to go back under my dresser.

I'm feeling super sick atm and I know it's not just my period. Today feels like a chicken noodle soup day but the only can in the cabnet is one that I got for my man because he likes the kiddie soups...he's sick too and I don't want to steal his soup.

Time to get ready for work. I'll probably grab some soup from target...


Brunch
Penutbutter and Honey sandwich (150 cal)
8 oz of soy milk (60 cal)

Dinner
Salad (100 cal)

Snack
Celery and hummus (like 300 cal)
I ate a lot of hummus
tuna salad and crackers (like 400 cal i think)

My husband is being super cool about things. That makes me happy.

I'll be fine pretending I'm not

I've had a weekend with it's highlights and bad parts.

Friday - started my period whicked early and had worst than usual cramps

Don't remember much of what i had that day I think I said fuck the salad because i forgot it at home.

Sat - drove up to my brother's in nyc I was eating midol like they were M&Ms

I got there around 1pm'ish and Sue(brother's gf) made some sausage and cheese filled balls of bread. My stomach hasn't been reacting to cheese to well the past few days So I ate half of it and prayed that I didn't get all gassy and more shitty feeling than I already did. I ate fruit, some blueberries and cheeries and a small brownie (hello chocolate - period). Then I drank a lot of beer.

Today(sunday) - I had a couple bites of eggs because my stomach was a little sour from drinking last night. I had a chicken/bacon sub from subway. I really wish i got a veggie delite like I usually do because all the meat feels so heavy.

I'm probably going to wait till my period is over before I weight myself just because I'll get depressed if I do...I haven't felt the need to purge this weekend.

Alright I told myself that I wouldn't make this into a person journal but I feel like i need to get shit off my chest. My marriage has failed. I spent a long time with the man that I was hoping would become the man I wanted. I've come to the realization that people won't change just because you want them to. I'm not important enough to him for him to go out of his way to make me happy. He promised me so many things and then decided it wasn't worth the effort. So much for counsiling, so much for not smoking, so much for meeting me for lunch at work, so much for effort. I hope he finds someone who makes him want to put forth the work, I hope I find someone who wants to make me happy who I want to make happy as well. This whole relationship thing can't be a one way street.

I told my brother and his gf that things weren't good and that we probably would be splitting. Niether of them were suprised. This bothers me but we have never had a fully functioning relationship. I know it's not all his fault, it's partly mine as well. Mostly my fault for being weak and giving in to him pushing my boundries. I thought my problem was that I expected to much from him so I tried really hard for the last year to just not care if he forgot about something that was important to me. I tried to not be so demanding and I know he tried to listen to me and do the things that I asked.

There is no compromising ever. One thing i don't want is a gun in the house...a reasonable request that is more important to me when we would have kids...but he wouldn't bend on that either. Like I said a one way street.

I really want to have a family some day but I know that I won't be able to function properly in a relationship for a long time after this is all over. I've been adapting to him for so long that I'll have to learn to be my own person again, if I ever was to begin with. I'm not going to let my friends or anyone else try to 'rescue' me. I can be this strong woman that I envision.

2 years seems like a good amount of time before I let another man in. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I know I could easily fall into old patterns with some new guy, but I can't do that. I just need to figure out me for a while. I need to realize that I don't need a man to complete me.