I don't feel it

I don't feel like I'm getting thin. I mean I know that I am but I don't feel like it. Still cracks me the fuck up that my friend from work was convinced that I had a drinking problem and is arguing with me about it and then he goes 'oh matt wanted me to ask you if you're anorexic' I lol'd on the inside. If you only knew how I struggle some weeks. This week has been awesome though, my weight hasn't gone up and I've been eating without stressing that much over it. I did feel a hint of bile creaping up my throat after I ate a sandwich tonight, but that was probably due to stress because of my husband. When do I stop calling him my husband and start calling him my ex? Do I wait till the court documents are finalized? Do I do it now? Do I wait till he cancel's our marriage on facebook?

I still feel as bad as I did when I was 155lbs!! This sucks. I know I'm physically smaller and I will never show my insecurities to someone that I know. At least I hope that I will never have too. I haven't purged in a long time, not since that one night where I was freaking out. I don't feel the need to do it unless I'm stressed the fuck out. And right now I'm not.

There are a couple guys at work that keep asking me to hang out with them. I'm like 'noooo' the one I just wouldn't date ever and I'm like 90% possitive that's what he's trying to lead me into and the other guy I think is really cool and enjoy his company but I'm not attracted to him at all.

I wonder if I project more confidence now that I'm slimming down and in a 'single' state of mind. Or if it because I'm slimming down.

I drank a bunch of benydryl so I can sleep hopefully. I love myself but hate my body. <3


Breakfast
Med Iced coffee (120)

Lunch
Ham sandwich (~500 cal)

Dinner
Onion loaf with hummus (400 cal)

Snack
Granola bar (140 cal)