I'll be fine pretending I'm not

I've had a weekend with it's highlights and bad parts.

Friday - started my period whicked early and had worst than usual cramps

Don't remember much of what i had that day I think I said fuck the salad because i forgot it at home.

Sat - drove up to my brother's in nyc I was eating midol like they were M&Ms

I got there around 1pm'ish and Sue(brother's gf) made some sausage and cheese filled balls of bread. My stomach hasn't been reacting to cheese to well the past few days So I ate half of it and prayed that I didn't get all gassy and more shitty feeling than I already did. I ate fruit, some blueberries and cheeries and a small brownie (hello chocolate - period). Then I drank a lot of beer.

Today(sunday) - I had a couple bites of eggs because my stomach was a little sour from drinking last night. I had a chicken/bacon sub from subway. I really wish i got a veggie delite like I usually do because all the meat feels so heavy.

I'm probably going to wait till my period is over before I weight myself just because I'll get depressed if I do...I haven't felt the need to purge this weekend.

Alright I told myself that I wouldn't make this into a person journal but I feel like i need to get shit off my chest. My marriage has failed. I spent a long time with the man that I was hoping would become the man I wanted. I've come to the realization that people won't change just because you want them to. I'm not important enough to him for him to go out of his way to make me happy. He promised me so many things and then decided it wasn't worth the effort. So much for counsiling, so much for not smoking, so much for meeting me for lunch at work, so much for effort. I hope he finds someone who makes him want to put forth the work, I hope I find someone who wants to make me happy who I want to make happy as well. This whole relationship thing can't be a one way street.

I told my brother and his gf that things weren't good and that we probably would be splitting. Niether of them were suprised. This bothers me but we have never had a fully functioning relationship. I know it's not all his fault, it's partly mine as well. Mostly my fault for being weak and giving in to him pushing my boundries. I thought my problem was that I expected to much from him so I tried really hard for the last year to just not care if he forgot about something that was important to me. I tried to not be so demanding and I know he tried to listen to me and do the things that I asked.

There is no compromising ever. One thing i don't want is a gun in the house...a reasonable request that is more important to me when we would have kids...but he wouldn't bend on that either. Like I said a one way street.

I really want to have a family some day but I know that I won't be able to function properly in a relationship for a long time after this is all over. I've been adapting to him for so long that I'll have to learn to be my own person again, if I ever was to begin with. I'm not going to let my friends or anyone else try to 'rescue' me. I can be this strong woman that I envision.

2 years seems like a good amount of time before I let another man in. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I know I could easily fall into old patterns with some new guy, but I can't do that. I just need to figure out me for a while. I need to realize that I don't need a man to complete me.